“She has been running away from the pounding of her chest for so long, she no longer remembers what it was like to sit with herself and not be overwhelmed by her perception of doom. The world stopped for a moment, halted not by beauty or awe of passing time, but by the internalization of all that surrounded her, spinning around into a whirlpool of suffocation.
Nothing was real. Nothing truly mattered at this moment, except, everything.
She has always persevered, responsible enough to not let silly little feelings or anxieties interfere with her performance, image, or reputation. She had always been this way—stronger than anything that was thrown at her, always moving forward and never looking back, but she was removed from these external motions and her internal emotions.
And for a moment, it stopped working. Her level of constant acceleration was halted, and by no one particular thing. It was simply living a life of over stimulation in a world where material possession is valued over developing connection—over, drawing within, and uncovering the complexities of oneself.
Her nervous system had been fried to a crisp, and the worst part was, she had no idea.
She convinced herself that the emotionally numb, medicated version of herself was normal and authentic—that it held all the substance she had to offer. Little did she know, the second her sweet, innocent, naive infant eyes opened in that hospital room, her humanity would, slowly but surely, be stolen from her.
Conditioned to “stop being so emotional”, she soon adopts this as part of her inner dialogue, shrinking herself to not appear “too much“.
But how can you possibly ask a child to stop reacting to a world whose stimulus is “too much” for them? Arguably, their reaction is appropriate.
And yet you do. You ask them to suppress who they are. You ask them to adopt the labels that feel acceptable and fit the definition of the family to whom they are born.
And to keep her safe, to protect her from this world, she is funneled into a box predetermined by the social structure at the time of birth. Let’s say she finds success. Let’s say she goes to university and develops financial independence (she doesn’t need a man) but her spirit has been silenced with each passing breath that it no longer calls out to her. Her decades of trying to appease her parents and maintain an image of a successful, powerful woman have developed a cold inner existence because it was in a manner that never truly aligned with her.
How could she not be happy with the life she has created for herself? I mean, she won the game, didn’t she?
But her soul no longer occupies her body. It feels unsafe with her premature emotional intelligence and as a result, she turns to substances to fill her lack of substance.
Things. More things outside herself to fill the void—relationships, drugs, alcohol, disordered fixations—
Is this the world we are living in? Where no one talks about the suppression of the soul from the first breath of tainted, hospital-room, capitalist-society air? Where is the emphasis on developing our humanity?
We are at a loss for humanity. It is no one’s fault, we have merely been conditioned. The centuries of development have done nothing but ultimately cause more destruction or more grounds for it.
This is an incredibly controversial statement. Yes, we have access to medical care and cars, and fucking air conditioning, but we are never content. We create and build and develop and “improve”, but to what end? Our hunger for the material is insatiable.
We are experiencing the destruction of the individual, the loss of family, and the failure of Western society, yet no one of influence seems to give a damn.
Maybe I should just let it be. Maybe it is our human nature to self-destruct because in all honesty, at this point, I don’t have much hope for our collective recovery.”
…
This is a piece I had written on Substack. It’s not one particular experience or about one character in my life, but rather a collection of observations that I have made about myself, and those around me.
I think it resonates quite deeply with young woman who are desperately trying to “find themselves” but either feel lost or daunted by such a task and thus fall into normalcy. When I say this, I mean following the same past times as those around them, never once questioning if their actions are in alignment with themselves until one day they blackout and realize that every friend or environment their have spent the last four of their life around (their ‘idea’ of a social life) is a construct where they’ve convinced themselves they have fun when in reality, are only able to, honestly, say they had fun when under the influence.
Then, there are those that feel removed from distractive pastimes and occupy their time with thoughts, sometimes too many, often feeling disheartened by their perception of this world. They have trouble detaching themselves enough from their empathy in order to still “live a full life”.
I find myself here (in both extremes, but mainly the latter)—where I get caught up in our inevitable doom or wake up and find myself still reading the news two hours later—sweaty palms, furrowed brow, neck tension—
But I am learning how to not let empathy suffocate me. I see those in my life have terrible, heartbreaking experiences and it is fascinating to me to see the strength they’ve uncovered and the resilience they’ve developed. It’s often hard to see it about yourself, but in others, growth becomes quite apparent.
No matter how dysfunctional the system is, or how sick our society becomes (think dystopian novel if you wish) on an individual level, we generally want what is best for others and, of course, ourselves (inherent selfishness…).
We act on what we know, we try to escape what we don’t, and so recognizing that a lot of what feels predetermined and safe or unsolicited advice that is given to us are actually just methods of protection. Yes, there are pressures. Yes, there are expectations, but it is always up to the individual to determine how they wish to deal with it all.
In developing awareness, having conversations, and turning away from fear or escapism, we can, actually, live in this world, even when it feels like too much.
Most of this is me reminding myself. that I can cultivate strength and routines that enhance my energy and zest for life rather than ultimately deplete it. I can prioritize my peace and develop a sense a self strong enough to override external noise. Intuition rules and it will continue to lead me where I need to be in any given moment. It might be messy, but it is not imposible.
The hopelessness that undermined my words felt necessary, but it is also a sense I can choose to eradicate because the truth is, I am only responsible for my actions. Although this is something I am aware of, sometimes the emotion and pent-up aggression I hold (mostly from internalizing my observations of pain) must be released and it is far more productive for me to sit, ponder, and develop my thoughts surrounding any given thing, rather than circling in my mind.
Isabella Elena 